Health Humor
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Humor and laughing is healthy for everyone. I added some of my favorite jokes to this section, and I hope you enjoy them.
New Jokes - 5/02/23
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake. Doctor: Next time, blow out the candles.
Why did the Dalmatian go to the doctors? Because every time she looked in the mirror, she saw spots.
I played hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Funny Doctors’ Notes (These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow, Scotland)
Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?” Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?” Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right now!
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”
Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“I’m sorry,” said the doctor to his patient. “You have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“Will that cure me?” the patient asked. “Well, no,” the doctor replied, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”
Why do surgeons wear masks?
So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” “But, I don’t have the fingers!” “Why didn’t you bring the fingers?!” asks the incredulous doctor. “Doc, I couldn’t pick them up.”
An old lady goes to the doctor. She mentions that no matter what when she farts, they are always silent and don’t smell. To illustrate her point, she lets one go.
Old lady: “See, Doctor, it was silent, and I don’t smell anything.” Doctor: “I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back in a week and see how you are progressing.” One week later, the old lady comes back. Old lady: “I don’t know what you gave me, doc, but now my farts smell horrible!” Doctor: “Great! Now that we fixed your sinuses, we can work on your hearing.”
Patient: “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office.
“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?” “After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.” “I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”
A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girl’s strange eating habits.
“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?” “Eventually,” said the doctor. “She will rise and shine.”
“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?” “Not really — I spill most of it!”
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake. Doctor: Next time, blow out the candles.
Why did the Dalmatian go to the doctors? Because every time she looked in the mirror, she saw spots.
I played hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Funny Doctors’ Notes (These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow, Scotland)
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day, it disappeared.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
- While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?” Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. “What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?” Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right now!
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”
Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“I’m sorry,” said the doctor to his patient. “You have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“Will that cure me?” the patient asked. “Well, no,” the doctor replied, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”
Why do surgeons wear masks?
So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?”
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly. “Another doctor.”
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, “Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.” “But, I don’t have the fingers!” “Why didn’t you bring the fingers?!” asks the incredulous doctor. “Doc, I couldn’t pick them up.”
An old lady goes to the doctor. She mentions that no matter what when she farts, they are always silent and don’t smell. To illustrate her point, she lets one go.
Old lady: “See, Doctor, it was silent, and I don’t smell anything.” Doctor: “I see, I am going to give you a prescription, then I want you to come back in a week and see how you are progressing.” One week later, the old lady comes back. Old lady: “I don’t know what you gave me, doc, but now my farts smell horrible!” Doctor: “Great! Now that we fixed your sinuses, we can work on your hearing.”
Patient: “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”
A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office.
“Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,” she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?” “After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.” “I think,” explained the surgeon gently, “that means your cataract operation was a success.”
A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girl’s strange eating habits.
“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?” “Eventually,” said the doctor. “She will rise and shine.”
“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Do you drink a lot?” “Not really — I spill most of it!”
ERIK: Why did the pony go to the doctor?
LEROY: Beats me.
ERIK: It was a little horse.
Joke by Logan W., Fairfield, California
JOHN: What do you call a supernatural doctor?
MARCUS: What?
JOHN: A para-medic.
Joke by John C., The Dalles, Oregon
WES: Knock, knock.
JAMES: Who’s there?
WES: Dishes.
JAMES: Dishes, who?
WES: Dishes how I talk since I lost my teeth!
Joke by Weston L., Hartsville, S.C.
“Am I going to be all right?” asked the patient as the doctor arrived with his test results.
“I’m sorry, sir, but you don’t have much longer to live.”
“How much longer?” the man asked.
“Five,” the doctor replied.
“Five what? Years? Months? Days?”
The doctor, looking at his watch, interrupted: “Four….”
Joke by Gregory J. H., Cypress, Calif.